The strange case of Nathan Tinstein

A fable for our time

Nathan Tinstein as born in 1986 in New York City. His early childhood was pleasant enough, even if people sometimes reacted oddly when they first heard his name. Sadly, this phenomenon never went away. It only got worse.

The problems arising from Nathan’s surname began in earnest when he was about seven. By then, he had known classmates named “Silverstein” and “Goldstein.” A few years later, he would encounter “Silverman” and “Goldman.” And, it was only a matter of time before he would find “Silverstone” and “Goldstone”—whereby the German “stein” was translated to the English “stone.” There were even “Silversmith” and “Goldsmith.”

But, one thing was abundantly clear. Tin is surely inferior to silver and gold, and this left him feeling sad and inadequate. Kids with the precious metal names teased him incessantly. And, how much solace could he take in the beloved Tin Woodman from The Wonderful Wizard of Oz, or even canine star Rin Tin Tin? Besides, most “tin cans” are not made from tin anymore, even if the base material might be plated with the metal.

There was just no getting around it. “Tin” is a low-class name, and Nathan had to change it. And, so he did, the moment he reached the age of majority. As you might expect, choosing his new surname was a bit of a process.

Should he abandon metals entirely and just truncate it to “Stone,” or “Smith,” or even “Mann”? Or would he rather go on the attack? Should his name change be an aggressive in-your-face bold statement? Reflecting on the years of abuse he took at the hands of superior metal chauvinists, Tinstein could only go one way, and that was REVENGE!

He changed his name to “Nathan Platinumstein.” But he didn’t merely stop at a name change. Emerging with a new self-confidence, and taking a page or two from The Count of Monte Cristo, our latter day Edmond Dantès returned to all the places that his tormentors would frequent. He confronted them with his glorious new superior name! Soon, he started a relationship with a beautiful and charming young woman, and got himself an excellent new job.

Nathan’s life had truly changed, and what great fun it was, until…

The price of gold became higher than the price of platinum, around October 24, 2011. I’m sorry to say that Platinumstein fell into a deep depression. This led to an end to his romance, and the loss of his job. He discovered—too late—that he should have chosen Rhodium for his metal name. Alas, now a broken man, he has no plans to change his name to Rhodiumstein. He’s convinced that such a move would eventually go wrong, just like everything else he has tried.

Nathan Platinumstein should have remembered his Shakespeare, specifically Romeo and Juliet. It is Juliet Capulet, forbidden to love Romeo Montague, who says,

“What’s in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet.”

At least Platinumstein didn’t die in the end.